My Unplanned Pregnancy

How amazing is this!!

To think I was contemplating abortion just a week or so ago.

I am sick to death of everybody passing judgement and making comments about my decision. I am keeping my baby and I am happy about this. I know it's going to be really really really hard but I am absolutely prepared for that, I think it'll be worth it. I just want everyone to SHUT UPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

The inevitable has occurred...  J has said that he doesn't want us to do it together. So I'm now officially a single mum to be. Thank the lord for my amazing family!

J (a 27 year old grown man, I might add) is petrified of his parents reaction, so scared he won't tell them. He is going to wait until my 12 week scan - not sure what he thinks is going to happen between now and then. I'm certainly not going to change my mind just because he is deserting me.

His parent issues aside, he doesn't want to be with me and doesn't even want to try and raise our baby together. I'm hoping at some point he will change his mind but I can't see it happening myself. All I'm going to do is get fatter and less attractive so hardly going to be able to lure him back to me with my sexyness. Plus, I'm a hormonal psychopath which isn't hot.

I don't know what to do... He is going on holiday next week and is obviously going to go out and sleep with loads of people and there is nothing I can do about it. It's killing me, I feel so stressed, out of control and upset by him and this whole situation. I just want to be able to say to my baby when it's older that Daddy and I tried but it didn't work out. I can't even say that, it's more along the lines of Daddy couldn't be arsed as he is more concerned with going out and getting laid.

Arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Why can't he just turn around, tell me he loves me and that we'll do this together??

I've just told him that I won't be seeing him/sleeping with him again in that capacity. I'm not a toy and it is too hard for me to spend lots of time with him when I know that he doesn't want to be with me. Maybe this will shock him into action. Doubt it.

Looks like I may have to go through with the abortion after all. I can't bear how much this is upsetting everyone around me.

I just had my Mum on the phone crying her eyes out, so upset about how she doesn't think I can cope with it, that it's going to ruin my life, that she wants so much more for me and she doesn't know how I'm going to do it.

I'm starting to think that maybe everyone being so against this is enough for me to have a termination. Do I want to bring a child into the world when I am the only person who comes close to wanting it? To everyone else this is an all out disaster. Whilst I appreciate it's not the ideal situation, I also don't think it's the worst thing in the world. Surely bringing a new life into the world can never be THAT bad?

It's not like we're massively poor, deprived and really can't afford to offer it any quality of life. Am I kidding myself that keeping it is a viable option? Maybe everyone else has a point and I think I'd rather be very unhappy than continue to see everyone else completely devastated. Perhaps I will be ok having a termination, lot's of people do it and they are fine with it after. I'm sure it's for the best.

I did it! My Mum is back from Las Vegas and I told her that I didn't think I could go through with the abortion. She was great. Happy for me to move back in with her in the short term, which is excellent news as that was one of my main concerns.

She just told me to really sit down and think about what I'm going to do longer term and how it will work money wise. I finally feel a little bit of peace )

I genuinely have a choice and I don't have to be bullied into doing something I don't want to do.

Today my Mum returns from Las Vegas and I have to break the news to her that I am not, as she thought I was, having an abortion. I am so scared! I know she will think I am ruining my life by keeping it, I just hope she stands by her word to support me whatever my decision.

I just have to have faith that I have made the right decision. Hopefully her jetlag may mean that she is tired, drowsy and accepting! I really need her to be on my side, I need at least one person who I feel is wholeheartedly behind me. J can't cope himself let alone try and support me.

Scared. Really, really scared.

So I told J that I had started writing, that it feels helpful and suggested he try and do the same. Obviously the first thing he does is demand to read it! I was very unsure at first as the reason I began to write this yesterday is because I needed a private outlay for my thoughts. Giving J uncensored access to my innermost thoughts on this feels me with slight unease.

So I emailed him a slightly edited version and it had what I feel is a fairly positive outcome. Read from the bottom up!

Last night, just as we were getting on the train at Victoria I "casually" dropped into the conversation that I'm fairly confident I won't be having an abortion providing my Mum will support whilst I'm on mat leave.

Silence and awkwardness ensues for the next fifteen minutes until we got home. I thought telling him in public would be good as he'd have a bit of time to think before he spoke and therefore would make more sense etc. Or not as the case may be.

He is so scared and it kills me to see him so upset. It almost makes me want to have an abortion just to make him happy again but I know that realistically I can't do that. We talk for a bit, cry, cuddle, talk some more and then I go home.

I made the mistake of whacking Romeo and Juliet in the DVD player (What? It's my favourite, albeit depressing, film!) Proceeded to cry, LOTS and then called J and cried down the phone at him a bit. Things got really nasty, I felt like he was just bullying me and emotionally blackmailing me into making a decision and in the end I gave in. I was defeated, I had nothing in me to fight anymore. I said to J that I would have the abortion but that a condition of that would be never seeing him/speaking to him again. He was happy to allow this to happen, providing I got the abortion and did exactly what he wanted.

I feel sick to my stomach.

He quite clearly doesn't care about me if he is prepared to just completely cut me out of his life. Will he do this if I have the baby? I mean, if he can do it now in this situation, what is to stop him from being capable of walking away further down the line.

This is without a doubt the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Whilst I can and do understand all of J's fears - his family (never met them, can't comment), his friends, his life, not being able to be a Dad - I think they're things that you overcome. Who isn't scared about having a baby? Even when it is planned it's still a scary life changing event. The way I see it is that when she (I just know it's a girl) is born, everyone will be happy. His parents and family will just fall in love with her - that's just what happens, babies are difficult and hard work but ultimately worth it.

Aside from the wishy washy factors, surely it's better than abortion. Murder. I went and stayed at J's in the end, just cuddled and slept. Feel torn when with him, makes me feel better in some ways and worse in others. Wonder if he would consider us doing it together but far too scared to ask the question.

Anyway, how we left it this morning was that I'm just going to think some more. I haven't thought enough already obviously... I assume he means think my way round to what he wants to do. He is seeing his friend tonight so hopefully he will find it easier to talk to someone who isn't so close to the situation. He can talk freely, release a bit more etc.

When I left him at the station this morning his eyes were dead, empty and he seemed smaller than usual. I can't watch him fall apart like this. Help!

I'm in a constant state of fluctation. I can't concerntrate and spend all day looking at internet sites about abortion and being a young-ish and potentially, in fact, almost certainly, single mother.

There is loads out there for people who become pregnant when they are teenagers but there doesn't seem to be much for people like me.

20 (young I know)
Good full time job - been working for last 4 years
Good savings
Together, J and I earn in excess of 80k

I didn't want this to happen but I *could* do it. With or without J and I'm inclined to think it would be without. I'd be happy to give things another go with him, granted it's not bolts of lightening true love but I do love him and care for him. Most importantly he makes me laugh. Whilst I'm aware that he loves me I fear it is in the purely platonic sense of the word. Although he is happy to still fuck me frequently (3 times in 12 hours this weekend, it's our coping mechanism it seems). I don't want to be with someone who feels nothing for me but a sisterly kind of love, whilst I don't expect fireworks, I want some sort of passion and desire.

So... That leaves me alone. 20. Single. Probably living back home (for support from my Mum) for a period of time, with a baby and then trying to hold down a full time job. Is there a scarier prospect out there?

In my humble opinion, yes. Having my baby (girl, I'm sure of it) sucked out of me whilst I am knocked out. I was asking what they do with the babies after an abortion and apparently they just get put in a clinical waste bin and then taken to an incinerator where it is a mass burning. Revolting. How do people do that??

Fuck, fuck, fuck. The 2nd of July was the fateful day, a Monday of all days. The Sunday night I did a test and it had a very very pale line so I went to see J and he was convinced it wasn't a "proper" line.

Ahhhh. Reassurance. Denial. It felt great.

Next day, booked doctors appointment and he confirmed my biggest fear. Pregnancy. Fuck.

Since then I feel like my world has completely fallen apart. I've been to Marie Stopes (twice), counselling, maternity section on Topshop and have all but moved into J's house.

(Just to explain, J is no longer my boyfriend, we split up due to creative differences. His not mine. However, we were maintaining a "fuck buddy" like relationship. Now we're just held together - in who knows what capacity, friends? - by disaster)

I now need to decide what to do. I am totally and utterly anti-abortion and try as I might - and believe me when I say I've tried - I can't shake my belief that abortion is murder. Can I kill my own child? Can I NOT kill my own child?

What will I do if I have it? How will I live with the guilt if I don't? How will it impact J?

This isn't fair. I don't deserve this, I have always been religious about contraception. Why do I have to be the 2 in 100? I used to think that 98% was a good enough percentage but not for me anymore. Not that I am ever having sex again. EVER.

I think I want this baby but I have no clue on where to go from here. Sigh.