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Posts archive for: 16 July, 2007
  • Scared

    I'm in a constant state of fluctation. I can't concerntrate and spend all day looking at internet sites about abortion and being a young-ish and potentially, in fact, almost certainly, single mother.

    There is loads out there for people who become pregnant when they are teenagers but there doesn't seem to be much for people like me.

    20 (young I know)
    Good full time job - been working for last 4 years
    Good savings
    Together, J and I earn in excess of 80k

    I didn't want this to happen but I *could* do it. With or without J and I'm inclined to think it would be without. I'd be happy to give things another go with him, granted it's not bolts of lightening true love but I do love him and care for him. Most importantly he makes me laugh. Whilst I'm aware that he loves me I fear it is in the purely platonic sense of the word. Although he is happy to still fuck me frequently (3 times in 12 hours this weekend, it's our coping mechanism it seems). I don't want to be with someone who feels nothing for me but a sisterly kind of love, whilst I don't expect fireworks, I want some sort of passion and desire.

    So... That leaves me alone. 20. Single. Probably living back home (for support from my Mum) for a period of time, with a baby and then trying to hold down a full time job. Is there a scarier prospect out there?

    In my humble opinion, yes. Having my baby (girl, I'm sure of it) sucked out of me whilst I am knocked out. I was asking what they do with the babies after an abortion and apparently they just get put in a clinical waste bin and then taken to an incinerator where it is a mass burning. Revolting. How do people do that??

  • I'm pregnant

    Fuck, fuck, fuck. The 2nd of July was the fateful day, a Monday of all days. The Sunday night I did a test and it had a very very pale line so I went to see J and he was convinced it wasn't a "proper" line.

    Ahhhh. Reassurance. Denial. It felt great.

    Next day, booked doctors appointment and he confirmed my biggest fear. Pregnancy. Fuck.

    Since then I feel like my world has completely fallen apart. I've been to Marie Stopes (twice), counselling, maternity section on Topshop and have all but moved into J's house.

    (Just to explain, J is no longer my boyfriend, we split up due to creative differences. His not mine. However, we were maintaining a "fuck buddy" like relationship. Now we're just held together - in who knows what capacity, friends? - by disaster)

    I now need to decide what to do. I am totally and utterly anti-abortion and try as I might - and believe me when I say I've tried - I can't shake my belief that abortion is murder. Can I kill my own child? Can I NOT kill my own child?

    What will I do if I have it? How will I live with the guilt if I don't? How will it impact J?

    This isn't fair. I don't deserve this, I have always been religious about contraception. Why do I have to be the 2 in 100? I used to think that 98% was a good enough percentage but not for me anymore. Not that I am ever having sex again. EVER.

    I think I want this baby but I have no clue on where to go from here. Sigh.

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