Last night, just as we were getting on the train at Victoria I "casually" dropped into the conversation that I'm fairly confident I won't be having an abortion providing my Mum will support whilst I'm on mat leave.
Silence and awkwardness ensues for the next fifteen minutes until we got home. I thought telling him in public would be good as he'd have a bit of time to think before he spoke and therefore would make more sense etc. Or not as the case may be.
He is so scared and it kills me to see him so upset. It almost makes me want to have an abortion just to make him happy again but I know that realistically I can't do that. We talk for a bit, cry, cuddle, talk some more and then I go home.
I made the mistake of whacking Romeo and Juliet in the DVD player (What? It's my favourite, albeit depressing, film!) Proceeded to cry, LOTS and then called J and cried down the phone at him a bit. Things got really nasty, I felt like he was just bullying me and emotionally blackmailing me into making a decision and in the end I gave in. I was defeated, I had nothing in me to fight anymore. I said to J that I would have the abortion but that a condition of that would be never seeing him/speaking to him again. He was happy to allow this to happen, providing I got the abortion and did exactly what he wanted.
I feel sick to my stomach.
He quite clearly doesn't care about me if he is prepared to just completely cut me out of his life. Will he do this if I have the baby? I mean, if he can do it now in this situation, what is to stop him from being capable of walking away further down the line.
This is without a doubt the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Whilst I can and do understand all of J's fears - his family (never met them, can't comment), his friends, his life, not being able to be a Dad - I think they're things that you overcome. Who isn't scared about having a baby? Even when it is planned it's still a scary life changing event. The way I see it is that when she (I just know it's a girl) is born, everyone will be happy. His parents and family will just fall in love with her - that's just what happens, babies are difficult and hard work but ultimately worth it.
Aside from the wishy washy factors, surely it's better than abortion. Murder. I went and stayed at J's in the end, just cuddled and slept. Feel torn when with him, makes me feel better in some ways and worse in others. Wonder if he would consider us doing it together but far too scared to ask the question.
Anyway, how we left it this morning was that I'm just going to think some more. I haven't thought enough already obviously... I assume he means think my way round to what he wants to do. He is seeing his friend tonight so hopefully he will find it easier to talk to someone who isn't so close to the situation. He can talk freely, release a bit more etc.
When I left him at the station this morning his eyes were dead, empty and he seemed smaller than usual. I can't watch him fall apart like this. Help!
( I don't wanna fight anymore, we need to sit down and talk sensibly about things at some point. 