So I told J that I had started writing, that it feels helpful and suggested he try and do the same. Obviously the first thing he does is demand to read it! I was very unsure at first as the reason I began to write this yesterday is because I needed a private outlay for my thoughts. Giving J uncensored access to my innermost thoughts on this feels me with slight unease.
So I emailed him a slightly edited version and it had what I feel is a fairly positive outcome. Read from the bottom up!
You're right - let's sit down and talk about things properly.
x
a) I thought I said no comments?
b) I called you back, because I called you a fucked up freak and felt bad so I had to make up as I hate leaving things on bad terms with people in case they then die.
c) There is no conclusion that will make us both happy... I am going to have to deal with your resentment and hope it fades because I don't think I'm going to have an abortion. I don't want one, I really don't think I would be able to handle it and as much as you mean to me and I am really trying to think about you in all of this - I can't do it just for you.
I know you're not a mean person, it just feels like it sometimes when you don't quite articulate things in the right way. I feel really sad now 
( I don't wanna fight anymore, we need to sit down and talk sensibly about things at some point.
*big hugs*
xxx
thanks for sending it to me - didn't really tell me anything new, but at least I got to see your thoughts down on a page.
I'm afraid I don't agree with your comments on my being happy to shut you out of my life as long as you do what I want. When you said that to me on the phone last night, all I did was argue against it. Think about it - if that's really the way I thought, would I have called you back/texted you/made sure you could come round to mine after the power cut? If I was that callous, I would have just said 'fine', put the phone down, and walked away.
It's so confusing - I don't want to have a baby, but I can't deal with being the person that hurts you so much, because I'm not a mean person Lauren - I'm not nasty and I care about you. I'm just desperately trying to find some kind of way for this to be brought to a conclusion that means we can keep what we have at the moment - it scares me to think that you might make a decision that I resent you for. All I meant this morning is think about things and talk to your mum - once you've come to a decision, then I guess we'll know where we stand a bit more.
Sorry - didn't mean this to be a waffling e-mail.
xx
Maybe we can be grown ups after all??
Now having pressure put on me by work as I had to tell HR about what was going on as I needed some time off for appointments and there is no way my boss would have allowed it at the moment as we're sooo busy.
I had an email today asking how I was getting on and whether or not I could "catch up" with HR today. I feel like they need me to make a decision which doesn't help. I mean, I know that I need to make a decision. I'm trying and I'll know when I know and tell them when I'm ready.
Stressed!
